I have to admit I was a little nervous. Sometimes it happens when I know I'm going to get naked in front of someone for the first time. There's something to be said for "Fuck now. Talk later."
As the movie credits rolled and the lights came on, I started thinking about my various birthmarks and less than perky tits, that extra padding around my waist compared to his zero percent body fat. How well did I shave my twat? Does he care if I shave my twat and why should I care if HE cares if I shave my twat, anyway? Would he be a lousy lay? Would I? Would he want to see me again afterwards or would he be like so many others and slowly drift away into oblivion leaving me to wonder, if I worked out a little more or waxed my asshole would he have stayed? Maybe if I wore high-heels and redder lipstick? Would he balk at my inability to cuddle for appropriate lengths of time? Would I snore?
It was nearly 2:30 in the morning. We were sitting on my couch, each with a whiskey on the rocks, listening to music. We were chatting about nothing in particular. Well, he was doing most of the talking. I was watching his lips move and inching closer and closer tracing his arm with my fingers. This could have easily gone on longer, but I was not in the mood for conversation at that point. I was ready to test the fucking waters. Now or never.
I took his head in my hands and turned him to me, planting my lips on his. Apparently, that was all he needed. He pulled me on top of him, driving his tongue in my mouth. I love the taste of whiskey on a man. He pushed me down on his crotch and I lifted my skirt, grinding against the hardness in his pants. He let out these tiny, pleading sighs as he grabbed my ass, lifting it up and down. I pulled my shirt up over my head and he went immediately to my tits, pulling the right one out of my bra while my left arm struggled with my sleeve.
I pushed him away and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the bedroom. He pulled off his jeans and underwear in one dramatic gesture and my jaw dropped. Literally. He was surprisingly disproportionate for his very slight frame. Before I could attempt to go down on him, he beat me to it, shoving me on the bed and diving down to my cunt. I didn't even have time to take off my underwear, he just shoved the fabric aside and went for it, emitting those little thankful sighs. I grabbed his hair pushing his face into my pussy
When someone goes down on me, it's not too long before I need to return the favor. We rearranged ourselves so that I could take my turn between his legs. It was a daunting task, but I dove down determined to take as much of it as I could. I grabbed his ass, pulling his cock into me, and soon he was fucking my mouth in earnest. He makes noise. I hate it when guys are quiet. He was moaning and saying, "Fuck! Yes! God!" over and over again as I slurped on his cock. Suddenly, he pulled me up and asked quietly for a condom. I frantically gestured to my top drawer, unable to form a coherent sentence. He looked around confused, he eyes glazed over with need. I got it for him and within moments he shoved his dick into me.
Jesus! He was about the size of the dildo I use on special occasions. (side note: I am not a religious person and was raised in a pretty secular household, so I find it funny that in the throes of passion I tend to call out for Jesus). He jackhammered into me fiercely, hitting me deeper than I've had in a long time. He would slow down for a moment, pulling out a little and teasing me with just the tip, until I whined, squeezing my cunt on him, urging him back in. Then he slid home, full force, making me scream. He rotated his hips, his dick searching out every nook and cranny inside me. When he finally came he started to ease out. "No, stay. Please stay!" He gasped and panted and I clentched my pussy on him with a pulsing rythmn, making him moan into my neck. I kept squeezing until he was hard again and it started all over again.
I love out-of-control fucking. I love that glazed look in the eyes, when the animal takes over. I love the way my cunt can make a man gasp and plead. I like being thanked for my pussy. The sun was coming up by the time we finally drifted off to sleep. The next morning we beat the rush at Tom's Diner and had pancakes. As we parted ways, we kissed sweetly. He moaned, "mmm…" after each kiss, those little moans erasing away those stupid insecurities from the night before.
1/20/2008
1/13/2008
Mortified
Inspired by Mortified, I dug up some of my old journals and took a trip down memory lane. Jesus, what a depressing little alley way that was. I'm a big fan of angst, but lord. I wanted to kick my own ass after a few pages.
I did, however, find then entry where I talk about my first kink experience:
September 2, 1997
I'm surprised I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I answered an ad in the "Village Voice". A guy into Bondage and Dominance. We went out for drinks last week at Cafe Aubette. Apparently he wasn't aware we were going to have sex that night. I was. I shaved, plucked and moisturized. I didn't wear a watch.
We went back to his place note: I didn't write this at the time, but I remember it well. His apartment was very "bachelor-ish". Mirrored walls, black lacquer furniture. He put handcuffs on me, tied me up, fucked me with a vibrator, ate me out, I sucked his cock. He spanked me, whipped me with a cat-o-nine tails. I have never been so relaxed, comfortable in my life! I actually got a little bored after a while.
He had quite a bit of equipment and he's done this quite a bit. He said 20 women. I don't know. I'm not in love with him. I like him o.k. I'd see him again. He wants to buy me a collar. It's kind of exciting. It's really exciting actually. To have a man make me come with his tongue inside me! My clit was so sore afterwards. I'm still sore in places where he squeezed me really hard. I took to sucking cock like a pro. God, I loved it. The feel, the taste. His come was a little bitter, I didn't really swallow a lot.
Afterwards we held each other tight and talked and talked. It was nice. It was fun. I can't believe I did it. I felt a little disjointed while it was happening, like I was watching it all from above. After I said I couldn't sleep over. I caught a cab, came home, watched some t.v. and had a really sexy dream about David Duchovny.
Strangely enough, all this happened the day Princess Diana died. She was killed in a car crash in Paris while being chased by the paparazzi.
The next day the thumbs on both of my hands would go numb for about a week due to pinched nerves from the handcuffs.
No date
Things with Frank are getting a little too intense for my taste. I come over on Saturday and the guy has bought me a collar, some really high heeled shoes and a skirt I can barely fit into! It's so stupid! He wants to introduce me to this couple he met from Columbus. I don't think so!
God, I don't want to go back to work.
1/09/2008
Full Disclosure
My dates are usually divided into the following categories:
Sex date
Pre-sex date
Regular date
Sex Date: pretty self-explainitory. There is no wooing required. We're both here to fuck and that's about it.
Pre-sex date: we're meeting to see if we want to fuck or not. It's what we want, we're just dotting "i"s and crossing "t"s. Usually ends with your place or mine.
Regular date: completely traditional, "dinner and movie, getting to know you, kiss on the cheek at the end" date.
My first few dates with S. have been of the regular variety. It's been a nice change of pace, but he doesn't yet know the degree of my slutishness. I did give him the run-down on our first date: not interested in a monogamous relationship, it would have to be open, I'm kind of kinky (yeah, "kind of"), but we were both pretty drunk at the time so I don't know how much of it sunk in.
I normally do not wait until the 4th date to fuck. If I like him and I want him and he likes me and wants me, I see no need in waiting. Better to test the waters early I say. But with the holidays and schedule conflicts, we have yet to go beyond the brief kisses in front of my apartment.
We're getting together Friday (dinner and Sweeney Todd) and we both made it pretty clear to each other that there will be fucking happening.
I'm finding myself doing some of the same kinky accessory removal I did when my parents were coming to visit. Do I let it all hang out at once, should I be blatantly honest about my life and my needs right at the start or do I ease into it, letting it come out on it's own?
I've never lied or given any false impression of who I am, but I have withheld information. I've never mentioned orgies or kinky conventions or bdsm. I think, I'm afraid of scaring him off and I'm afraid of him staying. My hope is that he'll be game and my fear is that he won't. I want him to be open and couragous and willing, because I don't want to give up what I've gained. I don't want to compromise. I've spent most of my life compromising.
I'm probably thinking about this too much.
Sex date
Pre-sex date
Regular date
Sex Date: pretty self-explainitory. There is no wooing required. We're both here to fuck and that's about it.
Pre-sex date: we're meeting to see if we want to fuck or not. It's what we want, we're just dotting "i"s and crossing "t"s. Usually ends with your place or mine.
Regular date: completely traditional, "dinner and movie, getting to know you, kiss on the cheek at the end" date.
My first few dates with S. have been of the regular variety. It's been a nice change of pace, but he doesn't yet know the degree of my slutishness. I did give him the run-down on our first date: not interested in a monogamous relationship, it would have to be open, I'm kind of kinky (yeah, "kind of"), but we were both pretty drunk at the time so I don't know how much of it sunk in.
I normally do not wait until the 4th date to fuck. If I like him and I want him and he likes me and wants me, I see no need in waiting. Better to test the waters early I say. But with the holidays and schedule conflicts, we have yet to go beyond the brief kisses in front of my apartment.
We're getting together Friday (dinner and Sweeney Todd) and we both made it pretty clear to each other that there will be fucking happening.
I'm finding myself doing some of the same kinky accessory removal I did when my parents were coming to visit. Do I let it all hang out at once, should I be blatantly honest about my life and my needs right at the start or do I ease into it, letting it come out on it's own?
I've never lied or given any false impression of who I am, but I have withheld information. I've never mentioned orgies or kinky conventions or bdsm. I think, I'm afraid of scaring him off and I'm afraid of him staying. My hope is that he'll be game and my fear is that he won't. I want him to be open and couragous and willing, because I don't want to give up what I've gained. I don't want to compromise. I've spent most of my life compromising.
I'm probably thinking about this too much.
1/06/2008
1/03/2008
Take My Breath Away
I bought a gas mask at an army surplus store a while ago, but I have yet to use it. I put it on every now and then and put my hand over the mouth piece to see how long I can go. It's amazing how hot not breathing for a while can be. Plus, it looks really cool.
It can be as simple as a hand over my mouth or pinching my nose while giving a blow-job: immediately my shoulders drop as I feel the tension leave my body. My ex-boyfriend was a big guy. When he laid on top of me he would hold himself up a little and I would have to urge him down, wanting to feel his full weight on top of me. One former lover would sometimes remind me to breathe while we were fucking. I wouldn't even know I was holding my breath. I love the way kinks can just develop over time, when suddenly you see the pattern form.
It started off as a nice, good fuck. With my legs over his shoulders, I luxuriated with his cock pounding in and out of me. But nothing is ever that simple with Jefferson. I felt the pillow over my face. I smiled under the fabric. I wasn't expecting this, but it was a nice surprise! I didn't hold my breath, but breathed through the thickness. As he fucked me, my breathing quickened as I panted into the cotton. I felt the weight as he pressed down on either side of my head while he pumped in and out of me. I held out as long as I could, until I had to come up. I fought against his weight and turned my head to the side, squeezing my head through the pillow with a gasp until the pillow came back down again.
La petite mort…
Earlier that evening, a lovely young man and I were locked in 69, he sucked and licked my pussy with his cock nestled comfortably in my mouth (normally I'm not a big fan of the 69. I find it distracting). Then Jefferson's started to fuck his ass and my brain exploded, in this gorgeous moment of over-stimulation. "God, that tongue feels fantastic and his cock tastes so good, and there's a dick pounding an ass inches away from my face!" And then there was the weight! The fantastic pressure of the body on top of me and the way it pressed down harder when Jefferson's cock shoved into him. The next morning he knelt on my torso as he reached for a condom, bouncing up and down a little, forcing little grunts out of me.
As someone who has a tendency to faint for no apparent reason, I know this is probably not the smartest form of play, but I've never really been one to stop doing things I enjoy just because they're bad for me.
It can be as simple as a hand over my mouth or pinching my nose while giving a blow-job: immediately my shoulders drop as I feel the tension leave my body. My ex-boyfriend was a big guy. When he laid on top of me he would hold himself up a little and I would have to urge him down, wanting to feel his full weight on top of me. One former lover would sometimes remind me to breathe while we were fucking. I wouldn't even know I was holding my breath. I love the way kinks can just develop over time, when suddenly you see the pattern form.
It started off as a nice, good fuck. With my legs over his shoulders, I luxuriated with his cock pounding in and out of me. But nothing is ever that simple with Jefferson. I felt the pillow over my face. I smiled under the fabric. I wasn't expecting this, but it was a nice surprise! I didn't hold my breath, but breathed through the thickness. As he fucked me, my breathing quickened as I panted into the cotton. I felt the weight as he pressed down on either side of my head while he pumped in and out of me. I held out as long as I could, until I had to come up. I fought against his weight and turned my head to the side, squeezing my head through the pillow with a gasp until the pillow came back down again.
La petite mort…
Earlier that evening, a lovely young man and I were locked in 69, he sucked and licked my pussy with his cock nestled comfortably in my mouth (normally I'm not a big fan of the 69. I find it distracting). Then Jefferson's started to fuck his ass and my brain exploded, in this gorgeous moment of over-stimulation. "God, that tongue feels fantastic and his cock tastes so good, and there's a dick pounding an ass inches away from my face!" And then there was the weight! The fantastic pressure of the body on top of me and the way it pressed down harder when Jefferson's cock shoved into him. The next morning he knelt on my torso as he reached for a condom, bouncing up and down a little, forcing little grunts out of me.
As someone who has a tendency to faint for no apparent reason, I know this is probably not the smartest form of play, but I've never really been one to stop doing things I enjoy just because they're bad for me.
1/02/2008
1/01/2008
2007 -vs- 2008
I originally wrote a long reflection of the four year journey that has led me to this fabulous point in my life, but fuck it. I'm not one to dwell on the past. I'd much rather live in the present. This has been a pretty amazing year. There was a good chunk of bad, but a hell of a lot more good:
> my two worlds (designer world / sex world) are finally (and slowly) coming together Kink+Culture
> had my first orgy (I'm counting an orgy as being more than 3 people other than myself)
> then my second orgy, third, fourth…
> went to sex camp (Leather Retreat)
> met my first fuck buddy where the "buddy" part was equal to the "fuck"
> topped two people and acquired a taste for it
> de-virginized a gay man
> de-virginized an actual virgin
Resolutions:
> flirt more
> more bondage (dust off those spreader bars and break out that straight jacket. mummification?)
> fuck more
> love more
> drink more water
> my two worlds (designer world / sex world) are finally (and slowly) coming together Kink+Culture
> had my first orgy (I'm counting an orgy as being more than 3 people other than myself)
> then my second orgy, third, fourth…
> went to sex camp (Leather Retreat)
> met my first fuck buddy where the "buddy" part was equal to the "fuck"
> topped two people and acquired a taste for it
> de-virginized a gay man
> de-virginized an actual virgin
Resolutions:
> flirt more
> more bondage (dust off those spreader bars and break out that straight jacket. mummification?)
> fuck more
> love more
> drink more water
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