Toy Review: Hello Kitty Vibrator

Hello Kitty is an icon that doesn't stand for anything at all. Hello Kitty never has been, and never will be, anything. She's pure license; you can even get a Hello Kitty car! The branding thing is completely out of control, but it started as nothing and maintains its nothingness. It's not about the ego, and in that way it's very Japanese. — Tom Sachs


Bronze Collection / Lever House, New York City / 2008
Artist Tom Sachs often references contemporary icons of popular culture and consumerism in his work: McDonald's, Prada, Hello Kitty. I saw him speak at a conference years ago with Ikuko Shimizu, the original creator of Hello Kitty (let me tell you, when she took the stage the whole audience stood up and roared with applause. She's a rock star). She had never seen any of his work and was genuinely surprised that her creation had such a huge cultural impact. She said humbly, "Well, I knew it was a very popular character."

I was a fan of Hello Kitty back when I was a 3rd grader collecting stickers and miniature colored pencil sets and I love her to this day. "Teen Angst Hello Kitty" (I'm not making that up, that's what it's called) hangs above my computer:




On my wall is a piece from artist Michael Paulus who draws skeletal systems of cartoon characters:



I love Hello Kitty for her minimalist lines, her over-sized head, her expressionless, speechless gaze (She has no mouth, but there's no deep meaning behind this. When asked, Shimizu said she could never get the drawings right so she said, forget it!). Her adorable blank stare is like a template inviting you apply anything you want to her surface. And Hello Kitty is most definitely a she. You don't need DD sized boobs or long blond hair and a dream house. She's got that sweet, little bow placed at a cocky angle just below her left ear. And, or course, the name. How can you resist? The awkward, broken English name that is both generic and completely unique. You can not help but love her.

So we want her little face on anything and everything that can be bought instantly transforming the most mundane, utilitarian, "grown-up" object into something kitschy, fun and cute taking us back to a more innocent time in our lives when we carried Lego pieces, secret notes, and glitter glue in our little purses instead of iPhones, credit cards and tampons.

So along with the obligatory and age appropriate tiny purses and diaries, you can buy Hello Kitty kitchen timers, license plate frames, toasters, stainless steel sauce pans, golf bags, digital cameras, coffee makers, diamond jewelry, a Fender guitar and makeup . Then you can fly to Japan on a Hello Kitty jet.



















So why not a vibrator? It's marketed as a "shoulder massager" (so is the Hitachi and all those hand vibes you get at Brookstone) maintaining the illusion of respectability. Sanrio has always maintained that it is a "health-care product". It was their best selling novelty item before it was discontinued when it ended up being sold in sex shops next to much more obviously adult toys. But since it's back, perhaps the company has loosened up, re-evaluated it's consumer and decided to innocently look the other way.

After all, anything that vibrates is a vibrator: an electric toothbrush, the dryer, Tickle Me Elmo. I remember, while vacuuming the living room rug as a youngster, curiously pressing the buzzing handle to my crotch. Part of the fun is the pervertability of the object, the sacrilege of taking a beloved childhood character and using it to get off.

But long story short, it's basically a "Pocket Rocket" with a Hello Kitty head on top. So I started with her little face respectfully turned away from my clitoris. The back of her head is round and smooth, with just the slightest, embossement: © '76/97 SANRIO MADE IN CHINA. But I was curious about all those bumps of her cocky pink bow, her yellow button nose, and that little teddy bear nestled safely between her legs. So, with a little hesitation, I turned her over rubbing her face over my clit until I came. Then I lifted her up from between my damp thighs and looked into those tiny, little black eyes that seemed to be looking into mine saying, Why Tilda? Why?

And it takes one AA battery.

Toy Review: Womolia

Womolia. It sounds a little like the name of a magical kingdom in a land far, far away inhabited by nothing but gynecologists. It also took for-freaking-ever to charge. That glowing, pulsing charging light had been teasing me for so long, by the time I hit the on button and it actually turned on, I was so relieved I forgot to pay attention to how the thing worked! I just pulled my jeans off, flung myself on the bed and drove it home.

I like vibes that are simple to use since I'm usually using them blindly in the dark. The buttons were easy enough to find and I kept hitting the one with the "plus" sign until it was at maximum speed, like I always do. Nice and strong. Very nice and strong. I have a tendency to go right for the clit and stay there. But the nifty grooves along the tip encouraged me to explore the rest of my poor, neglected vulva. I added a little lube to smooth it along and slipped it inside for a pleasant soft pounding. The wide tip and curve worked the insides just right. A rub, rub here and a rub, rub there... nice, long orgasm and done!

With a smile and a sigh, I pressed the on/off button to put it away for another day and realized there was a whole world of variable speeds I didn't know existed! Oops. There were a few variations of the "thump, thump disco" kind and more interestingly was a gradual increasing vibration I'm calling the "European Ambulance Siren." There are nine styles to play with, but these would have to wait for another day since I was quite sleepy.

There are a lot of options in a very simple package and I like that. I don't like a lot of bells and whistles with my toys and this vibe does a lot with an elegant, nice design.

But, for real. It took like, two days to charge.

Toy Review: Fukuoku 9000

I've been out of commission for the past two weeks. I've been traveling out of the country with a friend and for the past 14 days we were rarely out of each others sight. Out of the 5 hotel rooms we shared, only 2 had separate beds, and like in so many contemporary bathroom designs, style has replaced privacy. So, I had not had an orgasm (self-inflicted or otherwise) for 2 weeks. And before you ask, no, we are not that kind of friends. Wasn't gonna happen. No way.

So you can imagine the first thing I did after the 14 hour flight home (well honestly, I fell into a coma for five hours, but after that) was reach into the top drawer and grab whatever battery operated object happened to be closest. This time is was the Fukuoku 9000 finger vibe. I slid it on to my finger, turned it on and went to town.

I had tried it out before I left and, revisiting it again, I have to say I'm not crazy about it. The speed is nice and strong enough and I like the idea of the vibe being an extension of my finger, but one very simple, but rather big and obvious thing kept getting in the way for me. It vibrates your finger. My finger was getting as much stimulation as what I was rubbing it against and it felt really weird. And not a good weird, either. It was distracting to the point of being uncomfortable. 

I really wished I'd liked it. As someone who has limited space and an ever growing collection of toys, I appreciate something small. I even thought about bringing it on my trip, since it would be the perfect size for travel.

For other people this may not be an issue. I might be the only one who feels this way, but I think if I want a big orgasm from a small package, I'll stick with my Pocket Rocket.

For the record, I came almost instantly.

But it had been 2 weeks.

Toy Review: Naughtinano

Isn't this the perfect follow up to my previous post? I bought the OhMyBod when it first came out. As someone who's life and career are rather heavily dependent on the doings of Apple Inc., it seemed fitting that my masturbatory habits got thrown in there too. Plus, I loved how technology and music and sex were all combined in one object.

The Naughtinano is smaller than the OhMiBod, but the curvy silhouette and velvety finish more than make up for it. Plus, if you want to wank in silence, you can switch out to the battery operated cap with seven different pulsing vibrations, so you can groove to their pre-established beats.

As you can guess, the key here is the right kind of music and if there is one other nocturnal pastime I love more than getting off, it would be making mix tapes (I mean CDs, um I mean playlists). 

I had my very first orgasm while listening to Depeche Mode's Never Let Me Down on my Walkman, so of course this was going to be the first track I tested out. Not bad at all. I have a lot of dance music and that predictably did the trick. My hips would start rocking to the beat complimenting the pulsing in my pussy:

> Around the World by Daft Punk

> Radio by the Avalanches

> My Love by Justin Timberlake (Steve Angello and Sebastian Ingrosso remix) This one was nice because there was a continuous vibration that ebbed and flowed, plus a pulsing beat on top.

> Anything by The Chemical Brothers

But I wanted to change it up:

> Paper Planes by M.I.A. is worth the wait for the chorus.

> Cars by Gary Numan is almost perfect.

> Mansard Roof by Vampire Weekend was a delightful surprise.

> Let Me Borrow That Top by Kelly is kind of great, but it's the most hilarious song to try to masturbate to.

> We Got the Beat by The Go-Go's was not as good as I was anticipating.

They recommend setting the volume to about 75%. I found myself pushing it up to about 80%. Be careful, the louder it is, the stronger it is and I'm just a few orgasms away from tinnitus as it is.

You can also download pre-made playlists from iTunes, but that's no fun! And fun is exactly what it is! I never laughed so much while masturbating. Plus, it's so fantastic to have your favorite song blend so perfectly with your body. You know when you're at a concert and you're standing so close to the speakers you can feel the beat through your entire body? It's like that, but in your cunt. Nice.

I also love the idea of someone making a playlist for me. Yeah, I know, it's kind of High Fidelity, but how hot would it be to craft a CD based entirely on making someone come? Right?

They just need a wireless version.

Toy Review: The Pocket Rocket

The Doc Johnson "Pocket Rocket" is one of those toys I kept hearing about, but never thought to pick up. I've tried little pocket sized vibes before, but was never happy with any of them. The size of the vibe represented the level of vibration: subtle and discreet. They ended up deep in the bottom of my toy bag or the recesses of a drawer. The batteries would wear out and I never bothered to get new ones.

But I like the idea of having a vibe that's small enough to fit in any purse and doesn't look like a vibrator. I really like the idea of one that takes AA instead of watch batteries.

I wasn't all that thrilled when I opened up the package. It looked unimpressive and kind of clunky. Those brass nubs seemed suspect. It looked a lot like a prop from a SciFi movie from the 70's. But as they say, never judge a book by it's cover (and I often buy books based on their cover).

This little baby, is powerful. Surprisingly powerful. Because of the small size the vibration was more focused. Maybe that's why it felt so intense. If a Hitachi is a paint brush, the Pocket Rocket is a fine tipped pen. I wasn't expecting it. It made me groan out loud, squirt all over and left me with some shivering aftershocks (I may have held it there a smidge too long).

This might be my new efficiency vibe, the toy I use when I don't have a lot of time, when I just want to get off and go to sleep. The only draw back for me is that it's just as loud as a full size toy. So much for the ladies room at work.

Toy Review: Cotton Candy Dildo

I am a big fan of the dildo. You can never have too many penises, I say. I've never tried a silicone one (believe it or not), so I was eager to try it and find out what all the fuss was about. The Cotton Candy Dildo from Babeland was the perfect size for me and a nice non-fake-human skin tone, which I appreciate. So far, so good.

I opened the package up and was immediately enticed by a little insert telling the story of the toy company's name sake, Beate Uhse. Born in East Prussia in 1919, she earned her pilots license in 1936, transported and accompanied aircraft to the front during WWII until she flew herself and her son out of Berlin in 1945. She then became a birth control advocate and in 1962 opened one of the first sex shop in the world. I have never before been compelled to check out an annual report before stuffing a cock up my twat.

But about the dildo! The problem I have with most dildo / vibrator combinations is that the vibrator part is always lacking. I don't like a lot of multi-tasking with my toys: dildos are for fucking and vibrators are for... vibrating. But I was willing to give this one a go. The feel of the silicone was a little odd right out of the box and it seemed almost too soft, but as soon as I poured on the lube and smoothed it around, I could feel the difference and it was nice! I laid back on the bed, spread my legs open to the breeze of my fan and slipped it in.

Okay, now I get the whole silicone thing.

It was so smooth! It didn't have that obviously manufactured feel that other dildos have. It was soft, but firm and it's the only fake penis I've ever had that felt closest to a real one. I could cuddle up with this. It was just the right width and just the right length. The Zippy Vibe was nestled into a hole in the base and was easy enough to turn on and turn up (however, it did tend to slip out easily). But as with most combos, the vibe part was lacking for me. The vibration was muffled and felt concentrated at the base, not where I wanted it to be. It was more distracting to me than anything. Then again, I'm a Hitachi set on high kind of gal. I ended up taking the vibe out and putting it right on my clit. That did the trick. With my other hand I went on jack-hammering myself with my new best friend.

I'm keeping the Zippy Vibe out as a handy, little pocket vibe and my usual, everyday dildo has now been banished to the auxiliary toy drawer. This one is going by the bed.

Side note: I think I need a better lube. I know enough not to use silicone lube on silicone toys, but what I was using didn't stay as slick as long with this toy. Anyone have a favorite lube for silicone?