Letting it all hang out

I was so proud of myself. Ben and I went to dinner at Florent to pay our respects before they close (sob) and I thought it would be a good time to check in on things and make sure we were on the same page.

I laid it out. "I just want you to know, if you're seeing, sleeping with other people, I'm cool with it as long as you're cool with me seeing, sleeping with other people." He's a hot guy (who prefers being naked as much as possible) going off to the tropics for two weeks and I'm going to a sex convention. No use, beating around the bush.

"I'm loving the way things are going with us and I want to just keep going with the flow and seeing where things take us. Plus, I keep picturing you fucking some sexy girl under a waterfall and that's just so hot."

He nodded with that shy little crooked smile of his. He's a man of little words.

"So, we're good?" I asked.

"We're good."

Our food arrived and we dug in, reminiscing over the restaurant. The waiter and I shared stories. I saw the t-shirt with the logo and had to have one. Of course, they only had smalls (and American Apparel smalls are like children's extra small), but I got it anyway. He gave me the other shirt with the pig for free.

We finished our meal and were having our last glass of wine. I drained the glass and sat it down firmly on the counter. "So! There's this orgy tomorrow night..." He laughed and I gave him the details.

There was that little grin again. "I'll think about it."

He ended up declining, "I'll go to the next one, definitely!" But that's okay. I don't think this particular one would have been his cup of tea. But I thought, "This man has some crazy sex skills. Other people need to know about this!"

It felt so good, because it was so true. I wasn't trying to retrofit my feelings to fit my needs. I wasn't trying to purge myself of some guilt. It wasn't just about me wanting my cake and eating it too. It was about both of us wanting cake and both of us eating it too.

The next morning, I sipped coffee and watched him scramble eggs and fry-up the bacon, secure in the fact that everything for now was just fine.

Full Disclosure

My dates are usually divided into the following categories:

Sex date
Pre-sex date
Regular date

Sex Date: pretty self-explainitory. There is no wooing required. We're both here to fuck and that's about it.

Pre-sex date: we're meeting to see if we want to fuck or not. It's what we want, we're just dotting "i"s and crossing "t"s. Usually ends with your place or mine.

Regular date: completely traditional, "dinner and movie, getting to know you, kiss on the cheek at the end" date.

My first few dates with S. have been of the regular variety. It's been a nice change of pace, but he doesn't yet know the degree of my slutishness. I did give him the run-down on our first date: not interested in a monogamous relationship, it would have to be open, I'm kind of kinky (yeah, "kind of"), but we were both pretty drunk at the time so I don't know how much of it sunk in.

I normally do not wait until the 4th date to fuck. If I like him and I want him and he likes me and wants me, I see no need in waiting. Better to test the waters early I say. But with the holidays and schedule conflicts, we have yet to go beyond the brief kisses in front of my apartment.

We're getting together Friday (dinner and Sweeney Todd) and we both made it pretty clear to each other that there will be fucking happening.

I'm finding myself doing some of the same kinky accessory removal I did when my parents were coming to visit. Do I let it all hang out at once, should I be blatantly honest about my life and my needs right at the start or do I ease into it, letting it come out on it's own?

I've never lied or given any false impression of who I am, but I have withheld information. I've never mentioned orgies or kinky conventions or bdsm. I think, I'm afraid of scaring him off and I'm afraid of him staying. My hope is that he'll be game and my fear is that he won't. I want him to be open and couragous and willing, because I don't want to give up what I've gained. I don't want to compromise. I've spent most of my life compromising.

I'm probably thinking about this too much.